Love song or crazy stalker manifesto?
I've often said I don't like love songs, but that's note entirely true. I have quite the soft spot for "Unchained Melody", for instance. And I have a fondness for unabashedly screwed up songs about obsession, like... oh... the vast majority of Depeche Mode's work.

But driving around today, I heard what sounded like a stalker's demo tape disguised as a love song. I found myself unable to change the station, so rapt with horror I was. I hoped the DJ would announce the artist, so I could share this with everyone, but he didn't. However, I was able to find the lyrics with Google, using only the words "Made for me maim life lyrics".

This guy warbles, "If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?" and I think to myself, "Because your heart along with the rest of you is in denial?" It's thirty seconds into the song and the guy already sounds like the human equivalent of an onslought of Free AOL trial membership CDs. It will never end.

He goes on to wonder, "If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life? / If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?"

OK, first off, any man who uses the word "maim" while serenading me is going to finish out his night with a mug shot and fingerprints. I wouldn't even wait for him to finish before I called the cops. Second, you dreaming I'm your wife isn't exactly a convincing argument. It's a dream, buddy. I dream that I can fly, but that doesn't mean I can flap my arms and migrate, now, does it?

He then voices his confusion with, "I don't know why you're so far away", and I have to think it's because the object of his obsession is a pretty fast runner. By the time he goes on to say, "I wish that you could be the one I die with", this girl should be checking her drink for strange and unusual odors.

Am I just unromantic? Would these lyrics actually work on other women?

View the complete lyrics, if you dare.